All of this has happened before, and will happen again....

I woke up at 5:17 this morning and knew right away that I was 'up'.  This sucks since there is NO reason for me to be awake so early.  Around 6:30 I pulled myself out of bed and started the coffee and TV.  Ugh.  I think I smell kitty poo but I can't find it.

Yesterday, I bit the bullet and decided to spend on a deep-tissue massage.  All the work on the laptop and my normal level of physical tension (which is not good) jacked me up pretty good so I had to do it.  Still I feel guilty for a 'luxury' expense even though it's really more medical -- but that's how my brain works.  As payback, I am in absolute pain this morning (though I don't count this as why I woke up two hours early since I slept well the rest of the night).  She really got into my bad areas and for the first time ever I yelled 'Uncle!' during a massage. Usually I can endure quite a bit of pain during deep tissue but this massage therapist hit places none of the others had.  Ouch.

Fibromyalgia alert:  I'm going into my health stuff now.  Yesterday I added a couple of supplements to my already heavy routine. These are not really for my FM but they might make me a bit more comfy in my stomach and my head.  After the incident where my brain shut off last week, I decided to start ginkgo biloba which is one herbal I haven't yet tried, surprisingly.  An extended conversation with the massage therapist and the supplements person at the store led me to probiotics which is supposed to help the high level of candida I have in my system -- cutting down on yeast and yeast-making foods hasn't helped me.  Maybe I won't live in a constant state of gas if this works.  Nothing else has. 

On Wednesday, I went walking at the track.  I hadn't been since late last week, but I haven't been feeling up to it.  It was terribly humid and hot already at 9 a.m. and before I got to the track I could feel the pain in my legs, ankles and hips shouting at me.  But I went on and walked about a mile and half then came home.  It took me all day to get past feeling overheated.  That was excessive even for me.  Later I felt miserable. Yesterday I worked on my current freelance article, hit my chiro and massage appts and went to the store -- that was it and I was knackered.  The summer is only going to get worse; in fact, it's not even summer yet.  That's tomorrow.

This all leads me to a quandary.  Tomorrow I'm going to visit my sister for the weekend for my birthday.  Very low-key, dinner and cake, probably movies at home, just to spend time since I haven't seen her in several months.  I think it's time that I had a talk with her but don't know if it's appropriate to do it this weekend since I'm supposed to be there for a nice, relaxing time.  However, I don't want to do it on the phone and after this weekend it will be another couple of months before we get together again.  The thing is I'm not getting better.  In fact, my condition is getting worse.  I am not a hypochondriac but the nasty thing about fibromyalgia is that it's insidious and affects so many different areas of the body that nothing feels right and people tend not to believe you can feel bad in your brain, in your joints, in your sinuses, in your stomach, in your stamina.  Just taking the stairs up one flight is amazingly tiring for me.  I'm 37 (for a couple more days) and I feel like I'm 90 trying to walk up the stairs.  Seriously.  Sure, depression follows FM but this is beyond all that.  I've been crying a lot because there is no light at the end of the tunnel and I have so much to face and figure out.  And worse, it's not like I have cancer or MS or some other awful, degenerative disease so there's guilt for feeling so bad with something no one knows much about when other people are actually dying.  But it feels that way, and the doctors don't want to help after they've tried their little pills and potions -- if they don't work you're on your own.  So I play with my herbals and other supplements.  Some things help a little but nothing has given me any remarkable improvement. The heat is already scaring me.  I won't be able to go walking anymore until the fall, not even early since it's 80 degrees on waking.  By the time you get out there it's approaching 90 and it stays in the high-90s until bedtime.  So I'm having to shake my denial of how bad this is and realize it's time to start thinking long-term.  If, at my relatively young age, I feel this poorly and the doctors and I can't get me on top of this thing, where will I be in five or ten years?  The last five years have been such a downward slide.  I realize that my health is a big reason why I couldn't endure the job I left, and the one before that.  It put me in a pretty pickle regarding insurance and immediate cash flow but I couldn't stay.  I will have to refuse the job for which I interviewed last week if they offer (but that's doubtful) because I simply cannot handle anything grueling or stressful as my past jobs have all been.  I know this now but it's awfully hard to accept when my entire professional experience has been based on these jobs.  Eventually something will have to come up, it's just that simple.  But where do I go from here?  In a few years I will have to move to a milder climate, it's not a question. I will have to start looking into disability benefits and how I will pay off my debts.  By 45, if the FM continues to progress, I will be in an entirely different place and situation than I'm used to even now.  And the one thing I have a hard time acknowledging past a fleeting thought is that no one will ever want me with all this shit on me.  I need to talk to someone about this.  Unfortunately, my parents are not an option (and let's not talk about the guilt I have for not being able to help them like I should), especially since my mother is very much in denial about my situation and tells me things like I feel bad because I let myself feel bad.  My sister has a better understanding (odd, since they're both nurses, you'd think my mom would be more enlightened, but she's not) of my condition but she doesn't see me everyday, she doesn't know how bad it is because I haven't really let her.  I need a plan.  I need her to help me make a plan.  It just feels so unfair to put this on her, she worries so about me (which is why I've been more circumspect that I should have been).  But it's time to look all of this in the eye.  I'm tired of being alone in this.