Another worthless day.  Capital.  Just fucking capital.  Nothing pisses me off more than spinning my wheels and getting nowhere.  At least with no effort I can stay in my cool home with my babies and watch TV and play online.  This other way, I just waste more gas.  The ONLY nice thing today was lunch with my friend.  And that's a whole other sordid story.

I am soooo tired of being interviewed by 25 year old girls.  I HATE it!!!! It's hard enough being in this situation and knowing what I'm qualified for and knowing how hard everything has always come to me -- THEN to be interviewed by little girls in big girl positions and knowing they haven't exerted themselves the way so many of us have had to for so many years.  It's just not fair.  Yeah, I know, life's not fair.  But this sucks.  This is literally my third interview with some chippie talking to me like I haven't seen as much as she has.  Fuck that.  In the phone interview the "whittler" explained that she knew the money wasn't as much as I was used to be gave me a range that I would be willing to settle for since there's not a lot of choice.  Today I'm sitting in the face-to-face with the young lady who would be my boss and find out the other chick was way off by $8K!!!!  Basically, an amount I couldn't live on.  My bills are more than that would be.  There I sat, poker-faced and just wanted to get the hell out of there.  How have I been spinning my wheels for so many years and done such a good job and can't get my shit together.  WHAT IS WRONG????

I've signed up with two temp agencies, only to be told AFTER I go through all the rigmarole, that they don't have anything right now.  I've had numerous interviews and can't land anything so it's gotta be me, right?

The job I really wanted, that I interviewed for last week and put on my best positive attitude for hasn't been in touch so what do I do?  The goddamn magazine hasn't paid me for THREE articles I wrote and the editor is ignoring my emails and phone calls.  Guess I have to email her boss but WTF is this that people do business this way??  The other one paid me, but misused me.  I'm going to have to cash out my 6 years of state retirement -- the only money I have put away for this -- though I'd vowed I wouldn't do that.  Well, I don't have a choice now.  A big chunk will go to putting my credit card payments current.

I just feel like I have a big fat shit target painted on me.  The harder I try, the harder it gets.  Then try doing all this with fibromyalgia when most mornings it's all I can do to get out of the bed without crying in pain.

So I finished my job stuff today with an interview at the mall.  There should be nothing wrong with that, but I find I am having a hard time with it.  This is my problem.  At the least I may hear from them -- but she may very well believe I'll bail as soon as I get the chance... and I can't say she'd be wrong.  Since I had time to kill before I went through Macy's which is in the middle of a big fat sale.  I have NO clothes. If I get a job I need to go buy some.  All my clothes are from when I was small and not the whale I've turned into.  The clothes were so cheap I had to try on and realized just how big I've gotten.  It was terrible.  Running to the shop for my interview I caught sight of myself in one of those highly polished mall surfaces and wanted to die.

I can't believe how I've turned out.  I'm so disappointed in myself and what I've let happen.  I'm trying to get myself together but it's like everything is working against me and I just don't have strength to deal with this.